there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize