He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
‪So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?‬
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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