The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
