She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Randomize
