I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
