He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
