I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
