haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
