guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
So many bounce houses so little time
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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