1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
