I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
