I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
