I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
