I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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