How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
It's rum buckets o'clock
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
