I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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