I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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