i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
