a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
