walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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