she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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