I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
