it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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