White coat. Heels.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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