I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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