im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
