i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
