In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Randomize
