My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
