The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
