so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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