Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
