I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
