We named our party play list daddy issues
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
