Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
