it hurts more in the daytime
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
