dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
