There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Randomize
