Jerry, you need to find god
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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