My friends, they love my intelligence
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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