she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
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