Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
