Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize