I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
