I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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