Kareoke will never be a sober sport
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
