so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
