This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
