I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Let's get the cat blown out
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
