Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize