so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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