i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I want to fling myself into the sun
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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