it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
