I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Vodka?
Forever.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
